there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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