1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
