I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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