Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
