Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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