You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
