i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
