she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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