my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
