we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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