You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
