did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
