I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
