Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
