She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
