grandma shit on top of the toilet
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
