im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
