yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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