i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
