i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
this boner is exhausting
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
