He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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