i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There's even glitter on my cock...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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