His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
