my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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