Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
