Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
