Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
