I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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