It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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