I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
