tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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