Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I think a kid would responsible me up
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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