$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
