Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
