Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize