I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
