He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
