Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
