Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
