There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
