My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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