No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
