bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
