I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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