why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
