it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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