she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
