I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
