Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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