if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
