Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
