Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize