When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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