never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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