If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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