Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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