There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
