Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
