Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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