Sober January is a disaster.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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