Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
