Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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