This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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