Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
