why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
