so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
