there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize