this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Quick, to the slutcave!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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